Oscar the Grouch

I had originally planned on doing a live diary thing, Bill Simmons-style, but my foray into that field will have to wait until another day. Jen and I had people over for an Oscars party, and I was busy making naan for the first half hour or so. I didn't miss much, but I think I would have to be by myself (or at least not with a bunch of other people) to pull something like that off.

I thought Jon Stewart did a great job, and some of the fake attack ads were hilarious- especially the one sponsored by the Dames for Truth, slandering Judi Dench. However, Stewart seemed to get a lot less air time than most hosts- maybe a backlash because of all the people that didn't appreciate Chris Rock's hosting last year. I thought he did a fine job, but what do I know? Sean Penn wanted to kick his ass for making a Jude Law joke.

They start right off with the Best Supporting Actor award, to encourage people to watch the entire broadcast. I think it's a good move, but it meant the best acceptance speech occurred 15 minutes into the ceremony. Clooney, a guy who was forced to spend tons of his own money to get Good Night and Good Luck made, kept it nice and short, didn't bother thanking anyone (not even his lawyers!), and talked about how filmmakers can use the medium for noble purposes. Plus, he talked about how silly it is to rate art (not his exact words). I completely agree. I like following the Oscars, and I like that there are winners and losers (mostly so I can bitch about them routinely giving the Best Picture Oscar to the wrong movie). However, how can someone watch Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and Good Night and Good Luck, and declare one of them the "best?"

Stewart's best line of the night was delivered right after the montage of "important" movies in the history of Hollywood. Jules Winfield introduced the clip show, saying movies like Philadelphia changed the world. Whoa, buddy! That wording might be a tad strong. Oh well- the message was good. Immediately after, Stewart said "And none of those issues was ever a problem again." Brilliant.

After hearing Dolly Parton's awful song from Transamerica, and being forced to avert my eyes from the artsy (the poopy kind of artsy) choreography that accompanied the song from Crash (they're moving in...slow motion!), I was definitely rooting for "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp." Another couple great Stewart lines: "I think it just got a whole lot easier to be a pimp" and "For those of you keeping score at home, Martin Scorsese: 0 Oscars. Three 6 Mafia: 1 Oscar."

Speaking of Dolly Parton, boy, is she freaky looking! I think her waist is about the same size around as my ankle, but she's still got the baggage up top. She looks like a real-life Barbie Doll. I don't know how she stays upright.

Where was Don Knotts in the montage of death? You can't tell me they didn't have time to stick in one 3-second clip from The Apple Dumpling Gang or The Private Eyes.

I haven't seen Walk the Line yet, and I'm sure Reese Witherspoon was great. But can someone explain how she just secured the biggest payday for a single movie? Seriously- she's cute, and she's a decent actress, but...

Ang Lee becomes the first non-white person to get a directing Oscar. Good stuff. You can't accuse him of making the same movie over and over: Crouching Tiger, then The Hulk, then Brokeback Mountain. What's next?

Crash is the best movie of 2005? Whatever. The spineless Academy gives Brokeback a few awards (including an important one to Mr. Lee), but wimps out on the big one. Crash was a decent movie, and featured some great acting. But suddenly it's being trumpeted as an essential work, taking on the issue of racism head-on. The plot was contrived, dependent on a "Holy shit! I can't believe that plot twist" moment. Wait a minute, that rings a bell. Ah- Paul Haggis also wrote last year's Best Picture- Million Dollar Baby. Mr. Haggis seems like a nice enough guy, but I think he needs to return to his roots- writing for The Love Boat and Diff'rent Strokes. He also created Walker Texas Ranger, so I guess he's somewhat responsible for all the Chuck Norris jokes floating around the Internet. Stick to television, pal!

The movies I enjoy the most are the ones that seem better and better the more you think about them. The ones that are so fun to talk to other people about, because they bring up things that you didn't notice. The movies that are fun to watch a second and third time. Both Crash and Million Dollar Baby are the opposite kind of movies. As each day passes, I like them less and less. When I walked out of Million Dollar Baby, I thought "Not great, but I liked the style, the acting..." After countless conversations with people about the movie, I now have almost nothing good to say about it. The premise is ridiculous, it's about as melodramatic as a story can be, and it relies one one big "shocker."

I still think Crash was a good movie (talk to me in a year, and I may say otherwise), featuring some damn fine acting performances. However, the characters were all one-dimensional, everything tied together way too nicely, it relied on many convenient plot twists, and the message, however well-intentioned, was something a 7th-grader could come up with: racism is bad, and (get ready) everyone is racist! But there are reasons they're racist, you see. Boo-urns!

I did ok in the Oscar pool. I got 11 out of 24 right, but Joe Schwei led the way with 18 correct predictions.